I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just gift wrapped bread.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
there is glitter all over my balls
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
