I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
