Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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