he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
