dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
