We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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