Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize