i just wanna soil my oats bro
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
