i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
