everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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