Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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