I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
