I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
