just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
FUCK WHALES
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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