u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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