I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
