Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
