I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
