You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
