I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ok first of all what the fuck
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
