I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
