before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize