Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
