my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
