Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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