I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
