Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize