i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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