OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
