My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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