Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
