I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
