Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm sobbing to NWA
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
