Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
