oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
try to milk me bitch
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