Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
