Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
