i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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