Moan for me like Helen Keller
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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