Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
