That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
