Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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