So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you didnt know i had herpes?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
