Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
