i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
