How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
