I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i dont even know how to be here
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
