you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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