she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
