The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
