I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
