Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
