Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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