haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
