now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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