I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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