I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
