wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize